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THE
DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
THE
DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water every once in a while
Talks with God
PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored
ASSOCIATE
PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
ASSISTANT
PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals
INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot
GRADUATE
STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls
UNDERGRADUATE
STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
DEPARTMENT
SECRETARY
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
She IS God.
Top Ten Ways to Get Thrown Out of the Chemistry Lab.
1. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on
describing the sound to others.
2. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does
this taste funny to you?"
3. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
4. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not
again."
5. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
6. Deny the existence of chemicals.
7. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor
says exactly the way he/she says it.
8. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a
beaker.
9. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor
is about to pour the sulfuric acid
10. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express
an interest in federal buildings.
Top 22 Signs That You are Suffering from Semester Burnout.
1. You hope for the Apocalypse because you just don't feel
like doing your homework anymore.
2. You alphabetize your CD collection just so you have something
else to do besides writing your 5 page paper.
3. zupi [it upit gomhrtd pm yjr etpmg lrud ejrm upi yu[r upit[s[rt
smf fpmt ts;ovr oy nrvsidr upit bodopm od fpp n;ittrf/ (you
put your fingers on the wrong keys when you write your paper
and don't realize it because your vision is so blurred.)
4. You have a tough time deciding which class to skip so that
you can get time to eat.
5. Small things like hearing Hootie and the Blowfish on the
radio immediately make you want to kill someone.
6. Your teacher complains about something that you did wrong
and you start laughing hysterically in her face for no apparent
reason.
7. You are so tired that you answer the phone with "Hell".
8. Your Mom calls to ask how you've been and you scream "Get
off my back bitch!
9. When your parents inquire about grades you sing the cookie
monster song "'C' is for cookie and that's good enough
for me..."
10. Your desk workspace area consists of a bar stool, blender,
and "flasks" of various strong scented drinks.
11. You pray for a World War Three so you can get out of school
for a while.
12. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire but go
back to sleep because you just don't care anymore.
13. You have so much on your mind that you've forgotten how
to pee.
14. You sleep more in class than you do in your own home.
15. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your book
bag.
16. You think about blowing up the power plant so that you
won't be able to have classes for at least a day.
17. Visions of the upcoming weekend help get you through Monday.
18. Did somebody mention contaminating the campus water supply?
19. Your answering machine message states: "YOU ARE BREAKING
MY CONCENTRATION, NEVER CALL HERE AGAIN !"
20. You realize that nobody will hear your answering machine
message because nobody calls you anymore because all your
friends think that you are stuck up for never having time
to talk to them.
21. You go through and re-organize all of your email folders,
just so you don't have to study.
22. You think about how relaxing it would be if only you were
in jail right now.
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